You Can't Wake, I Can't Sleep

i feel so alone and needy, it's gross.

i have so much love to give and no one to give it to.

i have so many things to share and no one to share them with.

if i just had a someone, i would fight for them, bleed for them, give them all of me until it drained me.

i would be buffy letting angel feed on her to heal himself.

"can i lay my hands on you? it'd be selfish, that's true. cause healing you could heal me too."

i feel like paulie from "lost and delirious" now and always.

i want my passionate "notebook" romance....now, please?

i need someone to need me, and to miss me horribly when i'm away and to smile when i'm near them just because being with me is enough even if we're both in crappy moods or have nothing to say.

too many people who felt like "the one" or one of the possible ones, but ultimately didn't fit me and outgrowing each other like clothing.

i'm just tired.

i want to find my person already. i want to settle down and be done with it.

i want to belong to someone.

i want to feel safe with someone.

"i want so much so bad, come on and lay it down...you have always been with me, here and now...."

i want to meet someone and *know*.

i know, i know, stop looking and then it'll happen. but.

i don't know.

i'm sad and i hurt and i'm yearning and my soul aches and i sound melodramatic and cliche-full because i feel things too much and that's how it...is.

that's getting old too.

feeling things too deeply.

sorry for being so depressing of late.

my entries are fucking whiny and it's irritating.

yet they keep on coming.

I am spending the day with Noelle on Tuesday.

This will be the first time seeing her since the Ani concert in November.

The last time I saw her, we were making out furiously on a street corner and then I got into a cab and watched her fade away like some beautiful mirage.

That's when I knew that I could never have you.
I knew that before you did. Still, I'm the one who's stupid.

My Best Kiss Ever, that day in June that felt like a fairytale when we chased away the rain, dizzy giddy like a tilt-a-whirl going fast like my heartbeat. Holding hands and kissing in old book stores.

An indelible imprint seared into my heart.

Anyway, she has a boyfriend now so doubtful anything will happen, but I'm still kindof nervous that I will fall all over again and get all gross and vulnerable and sad.

But I had to see her before she leaves.