You Can't Wake, I Can't Sleep

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It's spring
Time to fall again
This time I don't want anything else
It's sad
I can't do this again...
I can wait for a long time
But I will always feel this way
You can wait for what feels forever
But it just won't go away... - Shelby Starner, "Fall"

fairy lights on trees in backyard gardens
illumine darkness.
ginger lemon tea.
read, underline, star, stir,
spill and smudge.
chilly breezes, sultry air kissing
bared back and arms.

"sometimes i love myself best alone."

April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain. - T.S. Eliot

To My Sister (Unsent):

Oh angel
(oh milk and honey sister)
I want to tear you from the sky
(I want to tear you from his side)
And does your skin taste like fresh cream?
Are your lips so intoxicating sweet?
I would be gentler than I seem
If ever our two mouths should meet
I could show you things you couldn't imagine
(The French Courts have been plenty educational)
But you would never abide
You would look upon me with more scorn
Than you already do
But sometimes I think I could
Give up my thirst for the Kingdom
If only I could quench it
on the warmth between your thighs
But you will be the one whom I desire
And I will be the one whom you despise
So I'll watch you fall
While you watch me rise
But when I am Queen and shut my lids
All I'll see is the blue of your eyes
You will haunt me like a lover
Though I would never dare touch
You will be my only weakness
And you will never know as much

limbs splayed delicate
across the tracks
and i know i’ll be the train
only staring at the sun
while i’m down here on my back
but i know it’s gonna rain
and cries for help are futile
when there’s no one left to blame
and the sun is dancing in my hair
but i can only taste the rain
oh i know i’ll be the train

I felt so alive. The characters were so alive. The possibilities were an endless dream. Everything came to life. And I was so high and I never wanted to come down. And nothing else mattered. And I didn’t need anybody. And I wasn’t thinking about anybody. And all my desires were just life on a page, life I could breathe in. I needed the characters. they were the blood, the breath. and i was thriving on the attention. and i had a voice and i was heard, and seen. i was not the ghost of the break haunting the deli a foot behind everyone else, listening to bits of their conversation, standing away and observing. i was not the mystery i craved to be. i was there. i was still whispering, but they heard me. they heard me. one of them spoke to me and i awkwardly smiled and he said “your problem is you have too many ideas. i should be lucky to have such a problem. you have like eight screen plays in there.”
my inner life was bleeding on the pages and they were sucking down my blood like vampires and i thought, “yes, get fat on me”.
and in the cab coming home i was so high that i knew i could only come DOWN and i was writing poems in my head and they were about balms and bliss and moon kissed street lights blurring by and i was the constellation, i was the sky.
and then i came home and i fell and fell because what else is there to do?
and my falling empty was seeping out and i was infecting people like a poison, my bad blood the leeches had left behind, onto you, into you.
and i could feel the life seeping out of me and the bad mood setting in.
and the three screenplays to critique and the appeal to rewrite and i wanted life to go back to the place where nothing was real but that moment.
that moment that had nothing to do with the desiring of other people, or love or crushes or relationships.
just me. happy on my own. just me, being enough. or feeling like enough in and of myself.

but here i am again...

I Need:

i need an intoxicated rush
i need a cigarette kiss
i need some promise
of some imaginary bliss
i need some mystery
i need some stars
to not be obscured by my smog
i need a swoon, i need a snog
i need a breath of life
or a taste of fresh virgin blood
craving that adrenaline flood

“you can rush in so hard and
make it so i can’t breathe
you know i breathe too much anyway
i can do that any day....” - ani-ness