You Can't Wake, I Can't Sleep

"But what no one has the right to do is let others suppose that faith is something inferior or that it is an easy matter, when in fact it is the greatest and most difficult of all." - Soren Kierkegaard, Fear and Trembling

...I like rollercoasters ?

In the darkness with all the pretty colored lights.
It felt like flying.

I remembered that wet earth is my favorite smell and the sky was clear enough to see stars. I forgot what they looked like. Someone lit up the sky. Someone turned on the sky.

The blurring of colored lights.

The feeling of letting go.

Shooting through the sky like a star.

Falling through the horizon like falling in love.

Wind, an exhilerating kiss on the back of my neck, moving through my hair like fingers.

Remembering the ocean and how I learned to move with the waves until it became a dance.

Release.

edit: I feel strangely sad. I get used to things so easily and then. It feels like the end of an era and I'm nostalgic already. If I were a word, I would be "wistful". I think that will always describe me, for better, for worse.

I will always remember things fondly that I never expected to. Like yearning for the night in Yosemite we got lost in the woods and wandering through pitch blackness and thinking we'd never find our way back with my bare feet and the kind girl who gave me her socks and told me she knew her whole life she wanted to be a Social Worker. Or getting stranded in New Jersey late at night with no idea how the bus system worked and having to ask all these random people questions.

As much as I've bitched about taking my sister to the amusement park like every weekend, the Halloween events with their spooky costumed people and the fake chainsaws and everything and all the rides I was too scared to go on have wormed their way into my heart. I will miss the fountain of blood even though it always looked more pink than red.

But I guess most of all I am sectioning off periods of time in my mind and finding things to mark them by and the amusement park weekend period has ended and is already a memory the same way everything will one day be a memory and time scares me with it's changing darkness and light. "And the world moves on..." My sister is learning to drive. She's sixteen. And I can't remember when I stopped being sixteen because it feels like yesterday *I* was sixteen and she was too young even for kindergarten. I don't like how time just keeps plowing ahead, dragging me behind it as I dig my feet deeper into the earth just wretching to hold onto every moment and savor it. It's pulling me forward and I'm resisting and I feel like I'm being torn in half.

There will never be enough time for me. How could you give up yours? What if this is all there is? Just this? This Heaven and this Hell all at once?

I don't know what I believe anymore. I feel like I'm lying when I say what I believe because I don't know anymore. I am having a crisis of faith, I guess.

Why can't I be okay with not knowing?

I want to have faith, but I don't *feel* it right now.

I just don't want to lie anymore, when I say this is what I believe when part of me is feeling conflicted.

From what I've read, Christians go through these periods sometimes.

Or maybe I'm just being tested and failing.

And I don't know why. I've been through worse periods.

So I guess that's my confession.

Right now, I am Agnostic.

I can't wear the title "Christian" when I'm feeling confused without feeling like a hypocrite liar and I don't want to be that.

Yet I will continue to pray before sleep because...I'm used to it? I'm scared to let go of the ritual? Is that wrong? Because I *really hope* someone is listening?

"I want to believe."