You Can't Wake, I Can't Sleep

So nicole_anell actually took all these pics with her camera since I only had my camphone and she even paid for some of them when I ran out of money because apparently they charge for this now so she's just basically awesome! Also, she did a full write up of the panel and our day and such over here.

I just wanted to post my pics and brief anecdotal whatever. (I had to de-red-eye everything, I have the worst red-eye issues!)

( follow me, fellow BSG fans, and people who just like to see me look awkward in puffy jackets )

AJ and I saw "Equus" tonight (opening night!) and Daniel Radcliffe was like fucking amazing brilliant. (And you know little bit naked)

Also it turned out the female lead was plaid by Kate Mulgrew and I was like "oh that sounds familiar" and then I realized it was Juliet's chick from Voyager! I wanted to get her to sign something for her, but she never came out and I had no chance at getting near the people who did come out...like Daniel. I didn't even see them through the claustrophobic mob of people.

The girl that played Daniel's girlfriend and also got nekkid is omgsofuckinghot!!

The play itself was really upsetting and parts were scary and I kept spooking and grabbing AJ and jumping and stuff.

Just the noises and lighting effects and such sdkfjsdjflsdf

I have this weird thing with high-pitched horse whinnies and loud hooves stomping scaring the hell out of me ever since I saw this David Duchovny movie about the apocolypse, even though I love horsies.

But I mean it was brilliant and amazing and chilling and thought provoking.

I'm seeing it again with my sister on Wednesday.

I just got back from the Q and A thing with Tim Burton and they showed like 4 full scenes from "Sweeney Todd" and it is way more amazing then I even thought it would be and I thought it would be super amazing! And Helena has never looked more beautiful!!! And I've loved this musical since high school ! And just !!! Singing!!! Scenery!! Helena's dress and gloves! Helena's cleavage! Oh I want to live in Helena's cleavage...I just kept thinking watching Tim oh wow oh wow that's the guy who gets to..um...yeah. Anyway beautifulbeautifulbeautiful it all!

Now I have to work on the graphics for my final project in MS Paint because I don't have a real graphics program. Awesome.

Last Night --> Whitest Kids U Know at Piano's with sister. Dinner after at Inotecha. Watched "Four Eyed Monsters" on youtube. Tired all night, up til 6 AM. Of course.

Tonight --> Eli Roth compared himself physically to Sylar from "Heroes" while talking on Conan !!! How long have I been saying that ?? My sister said it first. But still.

You --> If you want to be on my typing up old paper journal entries filter aka retrobloggin', please comment hither. Thanks.

...I like rollercoasters ?

In the darkness with all the pretty colored lights.
It felt like flying.

I remembered that wet earth is my favorite smell and the sky was clear enough to see stars. I forgot what they looked like. Someone lit up the sky. Someone turned on the sky.

The blurring of colored lights.

The feeling of letting go.

Shooting through the sky like a star.

Falling through the horizon like falling in love.

Wind, an exhilerating kiss on the back of my neck, moving through my hair like fingers.

Remembering the ocean and how I learned to move with the waves until it became a dance.

Release.

edit: I feel strangely sad. I get used to things so easily and then. It feels like the end of an era and I'm nostalgic already. If I were a word, I would be "wistful". I think that will always describe me, for better, for worse.

I will always remember things fondly that I never expected to. Like yearning for the night in Yosemite we got lost in the woods and wandering through pitch blackness and thinking we'd never find our way back with my bare feet and the kind girl who gave me her socks and told me she knew her whole life she wanted to be a Social Worker. Or getting stranded in New Jersey late at night with no idea how the bus system worked and having to ask all these random people questions.

As much as I've bitched about taking my sister to the amusement park like every weekend, the Halloween events with their spooky costumed people and the fake chainsaws and everything and all the rides I was too scared to go on have wormed their way into my heart. I will miss the fountain of blood even though it always looked more pink than red.

But I guess most of all I am sectioning off periods of time in my mind and finding things to mark them by and the amusement park weekend period has ended and is already a memory the same way everything will one day be a memory and time scares me with it's changing darkness and light. "And the world moves on..." My sister is learning to drive. She's sixteen. And I can't remember when I stopped being sixteen because it feels like yesterday *I* was sixteen and she was too young even for kindergarten. I don't like how time just keeps plowing ahead, dragging me behind it as I dig my feet deeper into the earth just wretching to hold onto every moment and savor it. It's pulling me forward and I'm resisting and I feel like I'm being torn in half.

There will never be enough time for me. How could you give up yours? What if this is all there is? Just this? This Heaven and this Hell all at once?

I don't know what I believe anymore. I feel like I'm lying when I say what I believe because I don't know anymore. I am having a crisis of faith, I guess.

Why can't I be okay with not knowing?

I want to have faith, but I don't *feel* it right now.

I just don't want to lie anymore, when I say this is what I believe when part of me is feeling conflicted.

From what I've read, Christians go through these periods sometimes.

Or maybe I'm just being tested and failing.

And I don't know why. I've been through worse periods.

So I guess that's my confession.

Right now, I am Agnostic.

I can't wear the title "Christian" when I'm feeling confused without feeling like a hypocrite liar and I don't want to be that.

Yet I will continue to pray before sleep because...I'm used to it? I'm scared to let go of the ritual? Is that wrong? Because I *really hope* someone is listening?

"I want to believe."