too much

too much sleep can be worse than not enough.

i'm like in a post superdeepsleep trance.

and i had such nightmares i am haunted by.

i dreamt i had breast cancer and it was too late to operate.

for one gifted with the odd prophetic dream, this was just a tad nervewracking.

//the loneliest girl in the whole world//

who can't even get it together enough to mail a fucking letter.

not that the recipient in question even cares anymore.

not that anyone does.

it's become markedly uncool to be a Friend of Bethany, I suppose.

at least my froggies loved me in their day.

i wish they hadn't left me behind.

*sniffle*

bestfriends, indeed

willa is like just barely on the periphery of my life now.

trying to contact her is near impossible.

why doesn't she just admit she wants nothing to do with me?

that she's abandoning me in my hour of greatest need despite everything?

they always do. or else i abandon them. or something else goes drastically awry.

i hate it here. this was a dumb idea.

i'm just doomed to be a mama's girl for the rest of my life.

what do i have to remember last october by?

that she brought him into our lives, into the middle of our relationship.

and then everything changed.

that i listened to a lot of leona naess and did a lot of cutting.

but physical scars heal mostly eventually and the ones across my heart never will.

this is worse still than losing zoe because i never really mourned it, i just closed my heart off until someone broke thru and smashed the lock.

but now i feel everything....everything....so many tiny deaths of things that will never happen and conversations that will never take place....

i don't want to deal. i want to hide.

is that so bad?

is never evolving the worst you could do?

is being spiritually stunted such the hell?

haunted. daunted.

~B.