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willa is like just barely on the periphery of my life now.
trying to contact her is near impossible.
why doesn't she just admit she wants nothing to do with me?
that she's abandoning me in my hour of greatest need despite everything?
they always do. or else i abandon them. or something else goes drastically awry.
i hate it here. this was a dumb idea.
i'm just doomed to be a mama's girl for the rest of my life.
what do i have to remember last october by?
that she brought him into our lives, into the middle of our relationship.
and then everything changed.
that i listened to a lot of leona naess and did a lot of cutting.
but physical scars heal mostly eventually and the ones across my heart never will.
this is worse still than losing zoe because i never really mourned it, i just closed my heart off until someone broke thru and smashed the lock.
but now i feel everything....everything....so many tiny deaths of things that will never happen and conversations that will never take place....
i don't want to deal. i want to hide.
is that so bad?
is never evolving the worst you could do?
is being spiritually stunted such the hell?
haunted. daunted.
~B.
trying to contact her is near impossible.
why doesn't she just admit she wants nothing to do with me?
that she's abandoning me in my hour of greatest need despite everything?
they always do. or else i abandon them. or something else goes drastically awry.
i hate it here. this was a dumb idea.
i'm just doomed to be a mama's girl for the rest of my life.
what do i have to remember last october by?
that she brought him into our lives, into the middle of our relationship.
and then everything changed.
that i listened to a lot of leona naess and did a lot of cutting.
but physical scars heal mostly eventually and the ones across my heart never will.
this is worse still than losing zoe because i never really mourned it, i just closed my heart off until someone broke thru and smashed the lock.
but now i feel everything....everything....so many tiny deaths of things that will never happen and conversations that will never take place....
i don't want to deal. i want to hide.
is that so bad?
is never evolving the worst you could do?
is being spiritually stunted such the hell?
haunted. daunted.
~B.
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physical scars *do* heal but they don't matter as much for they do not hurt as much.
emotional scars heal too. they never go away completely, but they do become lighter, less unbearable. they fade into recesses of repressed memory and life is okay again. sadly, in my experience, this only happens when you're ready to let go. and letting go is not easy. i know.
i'm sorry i'm butting my nose into your business, but i was really moved by your post.
i can relate all too well to much of what you say.
honestly, i'd rather be able to shake my head and say "what is this girl talking about?". but that in not the case.
i hope you don't mind my intrusion.
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