summer filter

with her new hair cut, she looked more beautiful than ever.
sleeping in her pajama pants and her shortshort teeshirt she's kept since junior high, i could see her Leo sign tattoo and her bellybutton ring and her beautiful hipbones which I ran my fingers over peeking out beneath the band of her panties and told her they were beautiful and she didn't think so.
i changed bra's in front of her for the first time, which was yeah weird but I was facing the window and she was like "you're gonna flash the people across from us!" lol
and her lips are the perfect shape and she has the best body i've ever seen.
and i can't stop constantly complementing her when i'm around her. it's so awkward! words just tumble out of my mouth.
we were talking about people and relationships and whatever and i said "you know how some people are perfect not because they're flawless but because the way all the different pieces of them including all their flaws just come together in the most perfect way?" and she said yes, she knew what I was talking about. And I wanted to be like, well that's you lol
We just talked about all these various things and I always find myself telling her things I won't tell anybody else. everything's so intense when she's around, like everything's at a higher frequency. i never want to leave and then i'm scared to go back because i'm in love with the memories and i don't want them to be negated, and things are so comfortable with us but then she'll be weird and formal later. she complains of feeling lonely but at the same time, she's (in ways) very hard to like...get to know? because she'll be really warm and friendly and then less so and back and forth? i don't know.
she would be hard to be in a relationship with like I am and we often discuss how we're both horrible in relationships and how we hurt people, so i should be
happy that we're friends, but then i find myself wondering if she even considers me a close friend, or a friend at all or just an acquaintance...because she has so many people in her life and says she only considers a few "friends" and that i'm one of them but maybe not.
she's so fucking beautiful. godddd!
but yeah some things about her bother me, and probably really would if she were my girlfriend.
it's just ERGH
I had a fucking dream today that she told me she wanted to be with me and had since the first, she was just scared and that was why she could never tell me definitely no (that really happened, the not definitely no thing) and I was all happy and glowy and we were kissing and stupid dreams!
and if you remember i had a dream about a safe place a long time ago and a safe person and it was her and her apartment I was talking about.
but whatever. i've wasted too much time getting upset over people who don't want me because if they can't see my beauty fuck em and that whole mindset.
not really fuck her because i do love her in the friend way.
so i don't really want to dwell in this place of masochism too long, but every now and then my thoughts return there.
so i'm not heartbroken or anything.
i just spend time with her and then i want to all the time and i have to hold myself back and not scare her away.
i know i need to get my life together right now, but i hope i meet someone soon, though i have no idea like how. no more personals ad! that was just...bad.
still i happily recall falling asleep next to sum, listening to her little breathy moans she makes in her sleep and just her breathing in general, or when she'd roll over and our legs would touch.
i'm pathetic yes.