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nostalgia.
i have been.
reading over every tori lyric there ever was.
on the site that tiff linked me to. thank you tiff.
and feeling them all with new perspective and laughing at my misinterpretations.
but loving them too cuz they are in their own way perfect.
i have been trading stories of love and obsession and pain with a dear new friend.
and thinking how she's in my blood even still.
but how my silly celeb obsession saved me when i needed saving.
when i thought that part of me, the romanticsexual part was dead forever.
i thought i'd become a nun or drown myself or something.
i shut it off, i shut it off, it was all for her and only her.
but then i learned i could feel again and i don't care how sick you think my obsessions are... they breathed life back into me when i was drowned and numb and cutting myself to feel anything at all.
and then magically one day i awoke and felt desire. that i thought was gone forever.
maybe it is safer this way, the only way i can deal now is to have have these feelings for people whose lips i will never taste, who skin will never grace my own.
but it's a step. because it opened me up wide.
and the color rushed back into my face and suddenly i could write and paint and sing and act and everything i'd forgotten how to do when all i knew was how to be in love with Her.
and i started reaching out to people again, i started making new friends.
and letting them in and letting them see me including the parts that weren't so pretty.
and it was all so new to me, and it still is. and i'm still in shock.
and if i heard her voice right now, i would sob because she has that HOLD over me.
she haunts my dreams.
but i'm moving on.
thanks to soaps and stupid obsessions and kinky fantasies and
friends.
and livejournal.
yes livejournal friends.
thank you, my beauties.
i have been.
reading over every tori lyric there ever was.
on the site that tiff linked me to. thank you tiff.
and feeling them all with new perspective and laughing at my misinterpretations.
but loving them too cuz they are in their own way perfect.
i have been trading stories of love and obsession and pain with a dear new friend.
and thinking how she's in my blood even still.
but how my silly celeb obsession saved me when i needed saving.
when i thought that part of me, the romanticsexual part was dead forever.
i thought i'd become a nun or drown myself or something.
i shut it off, i shut it off, it was all for her and only her.
but then i learned i could feel again and i don't care how sick you think my obsessions are... they breathed life back into me when i was drowned and numb and cutting myself to feel anything at all.
and then magically one day i awoke and felt desire. that i thought was gone forever.
maybe it is safer this way, the only way i can deal now is to have have these feelings for people whose lips i will never taste, who skin will never grace my own.
but it's a step. because it opened me up wide.
and the color rushed back into my face and suddenly i could write and paint and sing and act and everything i'd forgotten how to do when all i knew was how to be in love with Her.
and i started reaching out to people again, i started making new friends.
and letting them in and letting them see me including the parts that weren't so pretty.
and it was all so new to me, and it still is. and i'm still in shock.
and if i heard her voice right now, i would sob because she has that HOLD over me.
she haunts my dreams.
but i'm moving on.
thanks to soaps and stupid obsessions and kinky fantasies and
friends.
and livejournal.
yes livejournal friends.
thank you, my beauties.
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<3 <3 <3
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