Spinning Away

The acid sting behind her saccharine smile was growing steadily. Careening dizzily from class to class, she thought "I am a joke to them all". Still, she kept on playing it up - the flakiness, eccentric dumb blonde thing. It amused people. It made them want her around. It made her sickness more palatable - oh! a pun! It became just another Cassie Quirk, nothing sick or desperate or depressing. She was a Good Time Girl, party girl, sunshine and candy floss girl, sweet and sparkle giggle girl. And most of all, Cassie wanted to be liked. But she would never tell you that.

And the three little words that she could never say - no not those words - not "I love you", never "I love you"- she was never that girl. That was all Michelle. No the three words were "I'm not okay". But she wanted them to figure it out and she wanted them to want to help her. She wanted them to say "Look at you! You are killing yourself! Please, please eat something," with concern and not thinly veiled disgust. And it didn't mean she would. But she just needed to hear it. And once she thought someone did care. He said he did. But it was all just more lies.

So she tripped away to her fairy tale land the way she always did. The world became beautiful again. She was Alice in Wonderland, just like that song her parents used to listen to. She was lovely, all flowy blonde hair and skin and bones - pure and weightless, suspended in air. Finally pure, finally free. A Cassiebird flying away into the clouds. And she would never touch down again.

Obliterate Me

"I don't want to think," she says...well... slurs and it feels like the only true words she's spoken since the accident.

"You don't have to," he says. His hands are moving all over her body and she could be any pretty girl. She's just flesh to him. She never thought she would want this but it's nice. This not having an identity, a history. She could be any pretty girl. One who isn't racked with guilt.

Why had she needed to hear the words so badly? Why was she so insecure? If she had just trusted his feelings, he wouldn't be lying in a hospital bed. She wouldn't be lying in a stranger's bed. She is revolting. Bragging that her calling is "looking shaggable". Pathetic. Isn't she worth more than this? No, she isn't.

The room spins and he shoves into her a little too hard. It hurts but she doesn't cry out. She deserves this. Her name is on his lips but he doesn't make it past the first syllable. She puts her fingers to his lips. "Don't".
He looks confused.
"I'm not anybody," she mutters to the wall. "I'm not anybody."