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I am writing from inside a panic attack, a dark room with no windows.
My heart is beating fast and my breaths are coming shallow and I have this strange ache I get in between my shoulder blades, right where invisible knives are stabbed in childhood games. X marks the spot.
Again, envisioning that freaking scene from the freaking Bell Jar, the figs drying up and falling off the tree, each representing a possible future, while Esther takes too long to decide.
I feel I have made no personal growth or progress since I was sixteen or possibly seventeen. I have gained no deeper level of emotional maturity or ability to cope with anything life throws at me.
I can't explain it and my prior therapist couldn't explain it- this stopping. Why everything stopped there and I'm still frozen in place.
"I'm afraid I will never change..."
Everything is swirling in my head like a kaleidoscope, everything is maybe I should and maybe I shouldn't and maybe I should just go back to art school and yes I know writing is my calling so isn't filmmaking just another detour? How many detours do I take before I realize writing is my thing when I already know it?
The future looms before me like a giant open mouth, a shark's mouth or a wolf's, with teeth glistening with spit, waiting to devour me.
I close my eyes and that's all I can see.
Maybe I should go back to therapy. I tried to do things on my own and all I did was waste ten years. But that's a last resort. What if I use up my last resort and I'm still completely dysfunctional?
***
I took a stupid nap and slept through seeing Summer after being up with insomnia all night :(
I SUCK! I'm sorry.
Tomorrow night, we will be discussing my screenplay in class so I hope that goes well because I changed so much stuff and whatever.
***
Okay because I can't do it anymore, let's play decide my life.
Should I go back to art school?
Should I go back to therapy?
Should I just concentrate on getting a job/writing/MOVING OUT?
Should I return to other school if they'll have me and do film?
Should I do English, emphasis on creative writing?
***
I hope my Mississippi friends and their families are okay. I hope Angela's animals are okay. Y'all are in my prayers even though you're probably not reading this.
My heart is beating fast and my breaths are coming shallow and I have this strange ache I get in between my shoulder blades, right where invisible knives are stabbed in childhood games. X marks the spot.
Again, envisioning that freaking scene from the freaking Bell Jar, the figs drying up and falling off the tree, each representing a possible future, while Esther takes too long to decide.
I feel I have made no personal growth or progress since I was sixteen or possibly seventeen. I have gained no deeper level of emotional maturity or ability to cope with anything life throws at me.
I can't explain it and my prior therapist couldn't explain it- this stopping. Why everything stopped there and I'm still frozen in place.
"I'm afraid I will never change..."
Everything is swirling in my head like a kaleidoscope, everything is maybe I should and maybe I shouldn't and maybe I should just go back to art school and yes I know writing is my calling so isn't filmmaking just another detour? How many detours do I take before I realize writing is my thing when I already know it?
The future looms before me like a giant open mouth, a shark's mouth or a wolf's, with teeth glistening with spit, waiting to devour me.
I close my eyes and that's all I can see.
Maybe I should go back to therapy. I tried to do things on my own and all I did was waste ten years. But that's a last resort. What if I use up my last resort and I'm still completely dysfunctional?
***
I took a stupid nap and slept through seeing Summer after being up with insomnia all night :(
I SUCK! I'm sorry.
Tomorrow night, we will be discussing my screenplay in class so I hope that goes well because I changed so much stuff and whatever.
***
Okay because I can't do it anymore, let's play decide my life.
Should I go back to art school?
Should I go back to therapy?
Should I just concentrate on getting a job/writing/MOVING OUT?
Should I return to other school if they'll have me and do film?
Should I do English, emphasis on creative writing?
***
I hope my Mississippi friends and their families are okay. I hope Angela's animals are okay. Y'all are in my prayers even though you're probably not reading this.
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