Why I watch television on the computer. And why it sucks.

this is what happens when you tell me a paper can be pretty informal... )
iphigenia: (Default)
( May. 17th, 2001 11:56 pm)
She longs for the world which eludes her grasp, caught up in papers and books and dreams that were shattered before they were even crystallized. It’s the thing she can’t touch. It’s the fear that surrounds her like porcupine quills, so noone can touch her, nor she they. It pains her to see the others doing what they love, it pains her to know she brushed right against the surface, scraped her arm along the exterior and now she has the scars to show it and noone else will ever know it. Up in the air, maybe she would realize she couldn’t fly and she’d hit the floor with a thud. But she never got that quite far. Anchored to land, wringing her hands, she watched them fly away. And though they were all she had, her resentment grew til she had to bid them goodbye. She is a forgotten story, she lives in photographs, her present, her presence is an illusion. She met someone who made her feel alive, she was caught up in the melodrama. She realized life was happening to her again. She was no longer seeing all the sturm and drang played out on tv, she had a storyline of her own and it made her ache and electric. So she clung and she clung cuz she knew she could never go back. It would kill her. Now she had seen the other side, she was done for. Yet she knew the girl was not The Answer. But maybe she would lead her to it. She thought about how all relationships are in a way about using people. For comfort, to feel loved. And that it wasn’t necessarily bad. But it would not be enough in and of itself. In a way, it was another excuse to give up. To stop trying for anything more. To say, “I have something. That’s enough.”...
“I once thought I was brave, but I can’t stop crying” (Kendall Payne)
The Dream would torment her eternally. No matter where she went, what she did, it was always there. And they tried to be “realistic” with her and so she hated them. Because she told them to follow their dreams no matter what and thought they should return the favor.
But in the same way she knows, once gone, The Girl will torment her forever, wherever she goes, whatever she does. She breeds feverish dreams and sweat-soaked sheets. She breeds sweet release. And she’s convinced herself she brings salvation. And she’d rather get lost in her autumnleave-hair and hold her close than actually deal with her problems. She’s the only distraction that makes it all go away.
But she's also the only one to talk to who heals he hurt. And she has faith in me and I keep thinking that might transfer onto me but alas,no. I'm as hopelessfeeling as ever. I love her. Like Liz loves Max. And yet they probably don't end up together. Hrmm.
Me, Katherine (my sis), Bianca. Hospital. Dixie dying. In pieces. strange guy comes in and shoots her. I dunno who it is.

In hotel. florida. me and binks. and mom. i got gum all over ericas bed but she wasnt mad but we were keeping different layers of dixie’s body in hard seperate...layers..and i knocked em over.

walking down hall with bianca. asked if she was gonna stay in florida for college. she said she didnt know yet but if she did come north she was going to yale. i said “oh thats so great!”

erica wasnt mad about the gum very nice but wanted to know about strange man, mom said i totally knew who he was but i didnt but she said he was eating a hamburger and hanging out there and i said oh i thought that was a cop.....

bianca and i sitting by the bathtub and i wanna say something like “wow if i were still sixteen i’d be totally in love with you” but i am anyway and i know i cant have her and its sad and yearning and wretched.

but then we just went back to the other room. sleeping situation?

woke up with that feeling.

is manually writing better for dream recall??


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